Relief is a feeing

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Pain vs Coping

If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could. 





There are many kinds of pain. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

Facing rejections!

Recent events turns ugly when discussion comes into the picture! Maybe my stubborn character is the cause for everything, however, this is something i still cannot accept. There's no room for negotiation and i am expected to compromise in almost everything.. especially those that i cannot compromise at all. 

The fact that even after the fraud investment case he encountered just so recently. i objected him from investing into his friend's so called forum/webhosting for forex trading claiming to earn high profits within short period of time. He claimed that i was not supporting in everything he's doing and so i gived in eventually to let him do whatever he feel is right. Results comes out to be losing his entire investment to this so called close childhood friend he TRUSTED more than me. Haha although the amount is not much, but its painful enough an experience as we are not in good financial situations(the reason he become desperate to this scam offer). 

I used to be someone he seek opinion from, and i can sense that he take my advise seriously. Not anymore! Now anything little things his friend said is golden advise even if the result turns ugly, everything i say is just nagging and not being supportive. 1st is the investment, 2nd is a thai amblet that his friend said would bring better luck in things he do.. he choose his friend's advise/the amblet rather than me although i tell him i don't feel comfortable with this sort of things. 3rd, almost all of my friends know how much i cannot stand cruelty to animals as i treat their lives as equal as our own. He left me and walked away when i was traumatized by the sights of all the piercing through those baits use for fishing, crying like hell i ask him to accompany me but to no avail. I was angry and sad but i managed to persuade myself to behave nicely afterwards and try to patch things up. i admit i wasn't serious in this r/s in the beginning but now i really treasure it as from all those things he had done to me in the past touched me.

Woke up in the morning, gave him a call to tell him i actually miss him... sweet right? i know is normal, but its still sweet right? hahaha.... turns out...... he malign me for turning his alarm off, tell me his huihua credit is going to fine any staff who's late with fine. This HuiHua don't pay his staff any basic or OT.. give you a faulty almost scrap vehicle to drive which don't cover even a single cent for petrol or any repair cost if any parts went faulty. It seems to me like a blood-sucking company. Yes you get good take home pay for several months in the year when market is good whereby you have better sales. But... as long as you got sales, your pay is sure to be good if no matter which car dealer company you go to am i not right to say so? On top of that, some offers you basic, petrol allowance and etc.. It simply ridiculous for a company who offers no basic to come out with this kind of rules to follow!

Well my boyfriend rather be stupid to compromise to this ridiculous company and refered me as not supportive, what else can i say.. How do you expect me to support with ridiculous and stupid stuffs? Just like pushing you into the fire-pits? But since this is the way you want me to be, than i shall be... i shall not be concern and KPO about your thinking and decision, things that you think is beneficial never failed to be the things i think stupid. You want to let people ride on you than go ahead. I wish in time you will see why am i not being supportive, my effort is so unseen, is it just because i want to control you or is it for your own good.

 I feel lesser and lesser loved day by day, incidents by incidents. Its the way you react to me, not the things you buy for me that counts. If i was that materialistic than why should i be with you in the 1st place? I could just find a loaded partner who can provide me much better than you monetarily without much effort, unlike yours that have to go through a lot of planning to buy the gift. Do you even know its the effort that touched me rather than the price of your gifts. Its that effort that make me feel i am being treasured... will i feel that kind of effort again?

10Months

10 Months and 3 days after staying together under a roof, today, i finally take up the courage of moving back to my own home and stay with my mom and dad. Its a painful decision to make but i guess thats the best way to save my relationship.

Almost daily argument over the same old topic is killing the both of us. I cannot bear and tolerate HUIHUA CREDIT's babarian way and style of working, but you choose to bear with it so i should respect your decision. I'm too old to be quarreling over this kind of childish matter. I should be mature enough to hold on to the pain i have and carry on. I know that he won't stop me from doing so and my mom will spit ugly word on me... but... i WILL tolerate and i know i can do it! JiaYou...T_T

I am so going to miss my prince and princess, i wonder if they can still stay as close to me when they don't get to see me daily anymore. I doubt my own decision now.. Will i regret? This decision has a 2 directions to go towards to. 1 is that we can hold stronger as we don't get to see each other everyday and so we will treasure the moments more when we meet. 2nd is due to the lack of close time as we do for the past 10 months and our relation will simmer off as time goes by. I am feeling very insecure with great heartache.. what should i do what should i do?

Chinese New Year 2011

So 2011 had arrived and is my rabbit year this year... Aiyaya, 冲太岁哦!

No wonder go casino also lose money.....

My mom ask us to wear red red to go also did not help wahaha!!! Preparing to go and lose haizzz,...

Hoping to win some money since they isn't any profit last night!

Hahaha..... but in the end lose all.... :"(

daily routine - sadness

Yesterday, my mother gave me an advice that is very meaningful. She told me that life is infact just a very short period of time whereby it will end sooner than you even realize. After its over, everything will come to an end! Nobody knows whether there really has reincarnation or heaven etc... what if it don't, than everything about you and your life will just vanished from existence in this world and full-stop!

So why are we so persistant in getting the best in life over fame, money or status etc.? To get a better life is to get more money so that you can buy all kinds of thing you ever wanted? Is this really making the summary of your life happier?

Life is all about getting happier everyday isn't it?
But my life, i just cannot feel happy about it! Yes i have a bad temper, weird character, still i think to the least my heart is kind! I just don't like to show my weakness and kindness out can i? If somebody really care to put in more effort to understand me, that person will know that all the mean things i say don't mean amything afterall. I seriously love my dog i swear, but when you say that i am not responsible, not taking care of them and so on... have you spare me a thought? Do you know how much i miss them? Do you know how worry i am over the things you mentioned that they put all sorts of things into their mouth when we are not around? Seriously, i am so much younger than my elder sister and my mom has always reminding me of that she will not be here for too long, she is old. Do you know how heartache it is to hear that but still have to pretend that it does not mean anything?

Before we bought the dogs, i already told you that we will for sure quarrel regarding them no matter what the reason is. Although i admit that the situation now is worse than what i thought it will be. Please don't make it sound like i was the only one who wants to own dogs. You wanted them too though you only want one but there really isn't much difference between one and two i can guarantee that. There's no space for negotiation here and there and i am stuck in between both side that i equally love. I love my dogs and my mom really so so much! The dogs are not behaving correctly because they are not well train and so young still, they need alot of attention i know. But my mom won't allow them to come over my house to stay because my dad hates animals and they will quarrel. What you want me to do? I told my mom that i will stay over your side because they don't allow them to enter my house. Until the day she allow my dogs to come over, than i will come over. I make it so harsh and hurting yet the result is only she get hurt and i get hurt too without anybody realizing.

You really hurt me big time with all the things you do recently! Your career is really pushing me to the corner + you push all the responsibilities of dog's well-being to me (at least you sound that way). Just without a thought, you say that i have been going out late nowadays and neglect the dogs more and more day by day. You wanna think of how bz and tired we both are from work? You wanna think what is coming up soon whereby we have to make preparations for? You mean you really don't see the TRUE reason why we have been out till late these recent weeks? Talk about neglecting the dogs for days. How about neglecting my moms for weeks? Can you spare a thought for me how to neutral both north south pole balance when there's totally no flexibility given to me. I am already suffering and need to relax my mind a little in order to stay happy and find positive solution yet i am also another neglected victim too.. You still have to say things that hurt me? Just ask yourself have you been neglecting me?

Anyway, this passage is not meant to be read by anyone. Its just a diary, or rather my vend anger tool to keep myself happy; to stop quarreling with anyone like my mom whom i just shouted with. If happened you read this, just don't come and question me why i have to write till like this, i don't mean you are not good to me. Your words just hurt me especially when i'm already being squeezed in between. Makes me feel like nobody understand me( you know who you are i am referring to.) thanks alot. :'(

Batam trip 2010

Just came back from Batam.. This is my very first time travelling oversea alone with my boyfriend only in my entire life till now. I have been anticipating for such a trip to happen and it FINALLY does..woo hoo~~ Its a 3 day 2 night stay in the cabana room honeymoon package(haha). The room was quite well decorated with flower petals on the bed and the bath-tub when we entered. But that idiot go and spoil the bed before i could take picture of it -_-*!!!

As it happens on the halloween night, there was a halloween party held there. Although it was quite a boring celebration but still better than nothing.

I felt contented about the trip afterall. Even though the bath-tub leaks,warm water is limited, and the electric plugs are not working, i could say that it was quite a memorable one despite all this negativities..... (beside, the things there are so damn expensive, worse than singapore eg. pringles chips -> SGD$5, can soft drink ->SGD$2.50 etc...) Its more like a relaxing trip rather than a spending havoc one... so 'mai hiam' so much la hor?? hahaha.....